The Scarred Lion and the Innocent Lamb
by pluckypennywhistles
Summary: Dan was scarred, he didn't deserve love after what happened, but now he found himself in a situation he didnt know how to handle. He refused to burden sweet innocent Phil with his stories, but he needed to tell someone, and Inara, his girlfriend, had helped him through his darkest time, but how could he possibly choose? or should he let both go?
1. Prologue

Prologue:

Dan didn't know when it had happened. When had he reached this point? Moments ago he had been perfectly happy; resting with Inara held safely in his arms on the couch. But then Phil, sweet, innocent, Phil had asked him to talk. Dan had immediately complied, concern blooming when he noticed that Phil's eyes were rimmed with red. He'd obviously been crying. Once they had both entered Phil's chosen space, the bathroom, of all places, he broke down in Dan's arms. Once hearing Phil out, Dan didn't know what to do. He couldn't betray Inara, who had helped him past so much. But Phil was his sun, lighting up his fucked-up life with his child-like grins. Without him, Dan's life would surely not have made such a turn for the better.

Dan felt another sob retch from his throat and did what he had vowed never to do again. With only the thought:

_They'll be so disappointed in me._


	2. Chapter 1-Phil

Chapter 1:

Set 2 hours prior to prologue-3rd Person- Focus; Phil:

He had been watching Dan cuddle up to his girlfriend, Inara, for several minutes now, his expression getting more confused with each passing moment. Phil didn't understand why he was feeling so down all of the sudden. People always made him out to be the innocent one, and at the time he didn't realize just how accurate that assumption was.

Phil's entire life had been sheltered by someone- even if it was Dan, sweet but secretly seriously fucked-up Dan. People saw his glacier eyes- always dancing with some sort of private joke, and just wanted to protect his gentle, childlike soul.

And Phil, in all his innocence, didn't understand why he would suddenly feel such a red rimmed rage for the girl next to Dan. Phil had never seriously disliked anyone in his life- he'd had no reason to. But now, standing against the counter watching Inara speak to his roommate, he legitimately desired to get her away from his friend, by any means necessary.

The 22-year-old was so overwhelmed by this sudden emotion that he couldn't help himself anymore. He ran to his room as quietly as possible and cried all of his distress into his Pokemon pillow.

After the worst of his emotions seemed to have been ridden out he did what he always did- he went to confide in Dan.


	3. Chapter 2-Dan

Chapter 2:

3rd Person- Focus: Dan

Dan, though younger than Phil, had always felt responsible for him. When Phil had come into his life- at it's worst stages- he had made Dan feel like he had a purpose again. So standing in the bathroom with a red-eyed Phil immediately made him want to protect the boy from whatever was bothering him so.

"D-Dan, I' m so confused." Phil said, stuttering.

"Why?" Dan instantly asked, ready to tap into the no-longer-used, hard-won abilities of his to break anyone who would make Phil cry.

Phil began-" I'm really really sorry D-Dan," ,he couldn't seem to get the name out, " I don't know what's come over me I just- I just- I'm Just so upset…. And what makes it worse is that I don't understand my feelings at all. I genuinely like Inara as a person, and I understand what she has done for you.." Phil trailed off with a sniffle.

Dan did not at all understand where this was going. He put his hand on the smaller boy's shoulder in the hope of comforting him. With that gesture, Phil continued getting more and more emotional as he went, "I was in the kitchen, watching you with Inara and I suddenly felt so angry- or enraged- or jealous- I don't understand, I don't. So I went to my room and well" –He pointed to his puffy eyes-.

Dan wasn't sure how to feel about any of this. He sat there for a moment in pensive silence, his brow low over his chocolate brown eyes. He didn't understand why Inara had taken an interest in him so long ago - he was such a worthless excuse for a human being. But she had helped him get back from his darkness after the fire, and so he had tried to accept that for once- in his life- he might be worth caring for. But then he remembered the screams- the voices of his family being taken from him- even Tim, his 14 year old little brother. Dan was the only one that had an escape route- through his first floor window.

Even though once he had escaped, most of his skin had been burned away, he still blamed himself for not going back in, even if it was a futile effort, to try and rescue them. Now, every time he came in contact with a mirror, he looked away. Because if he truly gazed at himself he knew he would break, because he would see the soft, smooth skin of his face and feel disgust. That his face, appealing to most, didn't portray who he thought he was inside. He thought it was cruel, for that fateful fire to have scarred the rest of him but not his face, the one place where everyone could see his guilt.

Phil sniffled again and Dan came back to himself, he immediately felt bad for letting his mind wander off on his own problems when Phil was standing there looking at him, waiting for my response to his confusing tumult of words.

Dan reflected on what Phil had admitted to him, had Phil said he was… jealous? Dan didn't know what to think of this. He had many a time looked at Phil in a more-than-friends way, but then he would mentally shake himself and tell him that he couldn't weigh a sweet soul such as Phil's down with his baggage.

But, thinking himself a selfish bastard all the way, he had to ask-

" Phil, have you ever thought of me as more than a friend?"


	4. Chapter 3: Phils POV

Chapter 3:

Phil's POV:

I paused as he contemplated the question. My heart was beating franticly, whether in fear or expectation I didn't know. I was in such a state that I couldn't seem to sort out his feelings, so I asked-

" Dan, can I try something?"

Dan seemed slightly confused, but he trusted me, so he nodded his assent. I reached up my snow-white hand and put it gently on his chest. The slight contact caused my heart to speed up more. I couldn't be sure, as I had never felt such a thing before, but I was beginning to understand my jealousy of Inara, and my inclination to want to make Dan happy, and see the wonderful shy smile his seems to do so little, and to brush past him whenever I could. I suddenly felt very unsure of myself. What if Dan didn't like me back? Was it okay for me to be with him? I'd never seen a man love a man before.

Looking up at Dan I decided to once again put my trust completely in Dan. I kept my hand on his chest, covered by a T-Shirt and spoke softly,

"Dan, I think I am falling in love with you."

I blushed furiously and kept my head down, waiting for his response.


	5. Chapter 4- Dan's POV

Chapter 4:

Dan's POV:

My heart fell out of my chest. I didn't know what to do. Inara was probably waiting in the other room for me, with nothing but acceptance for me, even though she knew everything.

And then here was Phil, with his eyes looking at me with absolute trust, trust I didn't deserve. He knew nothing of my past, except for the fact that Inara had somehow helped me. Phil had been with me long before Inara came along, but somehow, even in my darkest moments, I had always managed to find a smile and a laugh for him. He'd never seen the scars that marred my entire body, I covered them from him. But despite all of these things, Phil knew that there was something dark about me, he may be innocent, but he noticed everything around him. He had heard the crashes in my room through his walls, and the gut curdling screams from my night terrors, he never said a word about it, and I imagined it was because he was waiting for me to tell him about it. He believed that eventually I would be able to completely expose myself to him in trust. Just as he was doing to me right now.

And suddenly in that moment I knew, that I would always pick Phil, no matter what.

Immediately I felt a deep stab of guilt for betraying Inara, but I needed Phil. He was my home and my friend and my sun.

I pushed the fact that in doing this I was going to most likely tear Phil's essential innocence from him sometime in the near future. No matter his puppy dog eyes and his trustfulness, I knew I shouldn't treat him like a child .So taking a deep breath and cursing my own selfishness, I looked from the tiled floor straight into Phil's endless blue eyes and said, with more meaning than I thought I could muster from my guilt- torn self, I replied,

"I fell for you a long time ago."—and kissed him.


	6. Chapter 5-Phils POV

Chapter 5-

Phil's POV:

Dan's lips gently caressed mine. I had never been kissed before, which I knew was sad for a man over the age of twenty, but the time had never come where I felt the need to kiss someone. But at this moment in time with Dan, I lost myself in the kiss; I started to pull at Dan's bottom lip lightly with my teeth, begging for him to open his soft mouth to me. Dan smirked in a surprised manner at me taking the lead, I was a little surprised myself.

Dan opened his lips so our tongues could push against each other in his mouth, then mine. I made a soft mewling noise and Dan lifted me up onto the counter. I wrapped my legs around his abdomen , I felt a excitement at my sudden power over Dan as I deepened our kiss. Without warning, my soft mewls turned to groans deep in my throat. As soon as the sound slipped past my lips Dan froze against me.


	7. Chapter 6- Dans POV

Chapter 6-

Dan's POV:

I had been enjoying my kiss with Phil. I had been surprised when he had taken the lead, since I knew for a fact that this was his first, but I didn't dwell on it too much. Until he made that sound. Phil had _groaned_. I was so scared when I heard the noise. It was so un-Phil, It was a sound that he could never have imagined coming from sweet Phil's mouth.

Now I stood there, staring at my Phil. Had it already begun, was I already changing Phil?

When I pulled away Phil reached for me again, so I ran. I ran fast and hard. Past Inara on the couch, still watching Buffy, and out the door. I went up the lift to the roof.

My mind was runny a million miles a minute.

_How could I stay with Phil?_

_I didn't deserve anyone, why was I even bothering?_

_Did Phil mean it when he said he was falling for me?_

I reached behind the air conditioning vent and grabbed his bottle of vodka from its hiding spot. It was covered in grime; it had been almost a year and a half since I had touched anything even vaguely alcoholic. But right now I had lost all sight of the life I had begun building for myself, a life where I tried to ignore the fact that I heard tortured screams whenever I closed his eyes. I unscrewed the cap on the bottle and stared into its inky depths. I held himself back for several moments, thinking of how absolutely disappointed Inara would be with me.

But then I remembered that I really had already betrayed her, I did that while kissing Phil. So I decided I mine as well take a huge swig.

The liquid burned my throat all the way down, but I went for more, seeking the release it brought from my tortured soul and mind, my self-abhorrence, the fact that I ruined everything I touched. I drank, and I drank, and I drank until I could barely see straight.

In a haze I went back down the lift and into my unlocked flat. Inara was gone.

And then I heard a sob from the direction of Phil's room.


	8. Chapter 7-Phils POV

Chapter 7-

Phil's POV:

I heard Dan come in. I stopped weeping as well as I could as he stopped by my door. The knob slowly started to turn, and then I saw Dan.

I was struck first by the fact that Dan was obviously drunk off his ass. But then I noticed the most important factor in this situation-

Dan's face was absolutely devoid of any emotion.

Dan smiled, but not in his usual shy way, this smile made me scared. I had never been as scared as I was just then, as Dan approached me. He slowly meandered to my bed, not quite sure on his feet, and brought himself down on top of me. He sloppily kissed me, nothing like when we were in the bathroom. I tried desperately to get out from under him, but he was much, much stronger than I was. He suddenly grabbed my hands and yanked them above my head so suddenly and painfully that I yelped loudly.

As he tied my hands to a bedpost I thought desperately

_This isn't my Dan, where did my Dan go?_

His eyes full of something dark and awful and heart-wrenching, Dan began to undress me. I couldn't move, and I was scared, but I also wanted Dan to ride out whatever this was so he could get back to himself again. And if Dan needed my body to do that, so be it.

But also in the back of my mind I thought of how I wanted my first time to be loving, and kind, and gentle, as Dan usually was with me. I had never even pleasured myself before, and I really wanted someone to touch me reverently, with love shining in their eyes. The look that Dan was giving me now was very inward, as if he was stuck inside himself and was trying to find a way out in me.

As Dan pulled my shirt up over my head so it hung on the bedpost, he froze. He looked at me for a moment in some kind of semi-lucid confusion. He was obviously wondering why he was doing this, as I sat there shaking in fear on the bed sheets, tied up like a rodeo pig. But the suddenly another dark look passed over his face and he fell to his knees and started pulling off my pants.

Over the course of this entire event I was acutely aware of the fact that I was aroused at the thought of Dan taking me over the edge for the first time, so it didn't surprise me much that once he got my boxers down, my erection sprung free.

I was shaking, and fearful as I watched Dan slowly lowered his face to my stone-hard member. Once his baby-lips finally touched me I let out a loud moan at the feeling of myself in his hot mouth. As he sucked me, I began to feel a strange sensation low in my belly. I knew what it was, and a new shot of adrenaline coursed through me, did I really want this? Now?

But just as I was on the brink of a full on panic attack, as well as an orgasm, Dan moved away from me for a second to unzip his pants and pull his already throbbing member through that slit in his jeans. The fact that he took off no clothing made me sad. I wanted to gaze upon his body reverently. He quickly flipped me in the bed so my butt was in the air.

I had no idea what he was doing, as I knew nothing on the matter of male- on-male sex, and this made my breath kick into high gear again. I nearly shrieked in pain when I suddenly felt an intrusion at my entrance.

_Had Dan just pushed his finger in me?_

I wiggled and squirmed, trying to get away from him. I was not comfortable with this; my eyes were watering from pain. Just as I start to calm down and try to find a logical way out of the situation, Dan sticks not just one more extra finger in me, but two. I let out a full-on scream as tears begin leaking from the corners of my eyes faster and faster until my cheeks are coated with the physical manifestation of my pain.

Right at that moment, though I tried so hard to blame it on the alcohol, a legitimately hated Daniel Howell.


	9. Chapter 8- Phils POV

Chapter 8:

Phils POV:

I was shaking so hard around Dan's fingers, and screaming so hard it made my throat hoarse for him to stop.

After a few more moments of my agony Dan suddenly pulled out of me. I turned over with a grunt and a wince to look up at him. He looks confused again but this time he seems to fight through the haze.

As he gazes and gazes at me his eyes get clearer and clearer , until it appears he had completely escaped whatever thrall he had been in to come in here and take it out on me so.

I watch his face carefully, I see a tear stream down Dan's face- It was then that I realized something must be terribly, terribly wrong with him.

_Dan never, ever cries._

Not when shattered his wrist falling down the stairs, or when he dropped weights at the gym on his toe that were so heavy that his toenail shattered into fragments. So why now?

Was it because he knew he had hurt me?

Or did this have to do with the darkness in his eyes that seemed fathomless?

But all I could do was slowly sit up, awkwardly manage to pull the ties around my wrists from the bed post and hug Dan as close to me as I possibly can. Because I just knew that whatever hell Dan had been going through right then, it was a million times worse than what He had just put me through.

As I hold him his silent tears turn into sobs that wrack his body until he is so exhausted that he looks up at me with some unfathomable emotion in his eyes and curls up with is head resting against my bear chest.


	10. Chapter 9- Dans POV

Chapter 9-

Dan's POV-

I fought so hard against the haze of the alcohol as I suddenly realized what I was doing to Phil.

I thought of all the times I made him laugh and smile

Of how the fact that he simply enjoyed being around people, no matter who they were.

As my vision cleared I saw for the first time what lay in front of me. My Phil, lying on his bed, naked and shaking in fear and tear-streaked. He was relaxing, I could tell, but all I could think of was the thought going through my head as I heard Phil's screams echo through the room. Of how someone should feel some of the pain that is always weighing me down, of how someone besides me should heft the weight of my despair for just a little while.

But now, looking at Phil I was pushed back into my usual guilt. I was being so stupid, why should I make Phil shoulder weight he had nothing to do with? It was all my fault that they were dead, not his.

Once again locking my gaze with Phil's I feel so totally disgusted with my self- how could I torture such a perfect human being? And just thinking about anyone, let alone myself. Hurting fill made me want to break out into tears. So I Finally did what Phil just wanted me to do all along, I put all of my trust in him, and I cried.

I cried so hard that my lungs ached with the effort, and my throat was left sore, and my eyes were blurry with use. I then proceeded to fall slowly to sleep in Phil's naked arms.

My skin was burning from my bones as I called out in the most acute agony that any human being could possibly endure. I headed toward my window, trying so hard to escape from the flames, the flames that were licking my skin and taking away its youth, I jump towards a hole I see and find myself in a cool dirt patch. The sensation of the elements on my exposed skin cells made me cry out, tortured sounds begging for help,

"Dan!"- I heard a voice calling out to me, I screamed louder, hunching in on myself as protection.

"Dan! Please, you're scaring me!"- the fear and the love in that voice tear me out of the nightmare. I was drenched in sweat, shaking from the residual effects of my past terrors come back to life.

Phil was on top of me, shaking me awake with eyes bright with unshed tears. I clutched at him so hard and tried to stop shaking.

I began to calm down, but then Phil asked the question I had been dreading, and I immediately pull away and turn my face from him.

He had asked, " What happened to you?"


	11. Chapter 10- split POV

Chapter 10-

Phil's POV:

"Please stop hiding from me, Dan." I begged, still on top of him. His eyes were facing away from me, whether in shame or pain or some combination of the two I don't know.

I grabbed his chin and forced him to look at me. All of the fear from his night-terrors and whatever was bothering him was blocked away from me in his eyes. I knew he was trying to pull away from me, but we had come so far. I was resolved to convince Dan to make himself as comfortable around me as I was around him.

I looked into his eyes, "Dan, whatever you are hiding from me, I pledge that I won't run away from you, whatever you say to me. I don't care what it is. If you think that you are doing this for _my_ good, I may be inexperienced in things, and I may not have gone through as much as you, but I am a big boy. Add to that the fact that I haven't run already, considering the fact that you have already tortured and raped me-"He winced at that. But when he opened his eyes to look back up at me, they were resolved. And scared.

Dan's POV:

After what Phil had said to me I realized that if I wanted to be with him, I needed to tell him. My heart had begun to go a million miles a minute the second I decided what I was going to do. No matter what Phil said, I knew he would hear what I had to say and look at me in disgust. He would see my scars- the physical manifestation of my treachery- and never touch me again. Despite all this I opened my mouth to begin.

" I'm from Manchester- I had a family there, a mum, a dad, and a brother, Tim. When I was eighteen- and Tim 14- my house suddenly began to burn."

" I was awoken with the smell of smoke, the fire had begun in the middle of the night, and opened my bedroom door to see what was going on. All I could see through the opening was flames licking up the walls. I was so shocked and afraid that I couldn't seem to move- until the flames started licking at me. I tried to put them out, but I fell on my bed- setting it up in flames. Quickly after that my whole room was burning with a vigor that was fed by my many comforters. As quickly as I could I headed towards my window- a first floor window. I was the only one in the house whose bedroom was on the first floor.

" But I would take a step and fall to the ground. I was in the center of the flames, their heat burning away my clothing, my skin, my hair. The pain was extraordinary-" I heard a sob from Phil, but I couldn't stop now or I couldn't continue-" But with this process- step, fall, try to get back up as best I could manage- I made it to the window. With what little strength I had left in my body I hoisted by myself out the window and into the grass below.

"The feeling of the rocks below and the dirt on my exposed skin cells had made me scream and yell and beg for someone to kill me. But no one came. I couldn't be heard over the roar of the fire. I think at some point during this I passed out from the agony, because the next thing I knew I was covered in a black bag and carried into an ambulance- all the while the man carrying me was trying to keep a stone face, but kept looking down at me, as if he couldn't believe what he was seeing.

"They drugged me up on so much that I was finally able to pull some rational thought from my traumatized brain.-

"_Where was my family?"_


	12. Chapter 11- Split POV

Chapter 11-

Phil's POV:

I was trying so hard to stay silent. I knew if I made to much noise then Dan might stop, but my face was wet with tears at what Dan had gone through. I couldn't imagine.

Dan took a ragged breath and continued his horror story," I was immediately rushed to the hospital, and put in emergency surgery. I have no idea how long I was in there, but the surgeons where trying to skin graph as much of my ruined flesh as they could so I could at least survive. When I woke up I was in a private room. I was terribly confused- I didn't understand where I was, and if I was in the hospital, then why wasn't my family?

"But then it all came back to me. But this time I didn't let a tear squeeze past my eye. I knew that at that moment- when my skin was mostly gone and I was trying to escape that room- that I should've gone back for my family- at least Tim. It was my fault that they were dead. I should've gone back and if not saved them- died with them."

Dan paused for a moment, looking at me. _Did Dan really believe he was to blame? That he didn't deserve to live?_ I thought in horror.

He continued-"While I was laying there a doctor came in, with a smile on her face. She told me that though most of my skin had sustained second and third degree burns my face had been untouched.

He smiled ruefully "She told me it was some miracle that my face was unmarred. But I felt that this was some cruel twist of fate. Because these scars-"- he ripped open his shirt- " are what show the world that I am a guilty soul, but they hadn't reached my face- the place where everyone looks to get answers about the nature of a person."

I looked over at his now-exposed chest. He had long ago situated me so I was on his lap instead of on top of him, so I had a full view of what he was trying to show me. I grabbed the edges of his shirt and pulled it the rest of the way off, he shivered at the slight contact.

He looked at me in the most open way that my heart was breaking for him. _My sweet, sweet Dan_. I knew he was still expecting me to run, but instead I held my hand up to his chest, and looked at him, my intentions clear. He swallowed and nodded, so I placed my thin white hand over his heart.

His entire body, up to his collar bone, was shiny with scar tissue. His skin was uneven and looked like it had spider webs running all through it. I ran my fingers over the ridges that portrayed the horror he had been through only a few years ago. I could feel his heart thumping, and his eyes where still looking at me like I was crazy to still be sitting here. But I didn't agree with Dan's standing on his guilt. I honestly believed that he was the victim here, not the villain.

Dan's POV:

I don't at all understand what he was still doing here. Couldn't he see me for what I really was now? Couldn't he see that I was a murderer by omission? But then he once again surprised me. He learned forward slowly, obviously so I could stop him if I wished, and kissed me, right over my heart.

A tremor rocked my whole body at the contact. I didn't understand why Phil was doing this- but I didn't want him to stop. He continued to kiss me all over my scars, and I realized that this small glimpse into my past wasn't going to scare him off- but I knew that if I told him more he would surely make for the hills.


	13. Chapter 12- Phils POV

Chapter 12:

Phil's POV-

I needed Dan to understand that I wasn't going anywhere, and I never would, so I proceeded to kiss him everywhere I could reach. I trailed kisses up his arms, covered in slash-like scars; I resolved to ask him about those at a later time. I kept going until I reached his mouth. I pushed him back onto his pillows as I once again took the lead. But as quickly as I had come onto him, he flipped me over so he was on top. I knew I should fear him, after my last experience naked with him, but the tortured expression in his eyes just made me want to keep going.

Dan got up from on top of me and shed his pants and boxers, exposing more of his horribly scarred skin. As soon as he had done so, he looked up at me fearfully, but when I didn't run or wince or show any ounce of disgust at his scars, he came back over to me. We were both extremely aroused now, from some combination of our shared trust and our lust for each other. Dan reached over for me, looking up at me for permission. I nodded, so he climbed over me so he was once again between my legs, but in a much different context than earlier. He touched me reverently, just as I had desired him to do earlier, and this caused me to whimper out my pleasure.

With my noise as his fuel he leaned down until I was fully in his mouth. The feeling of him pushing me down his throat until he gagged was exquisite. The moment I touched the back of his throat I lost it. I begged him-

"I want you in me-now."

He looked very hesitant, probably afraid to hurt me. He looked at me seriously as he lightly flicked he thumb over the head of my penis. I bucked up and shouted-

"Please, please, Dan! I trust you. You won't hurt me again, I trust you."

He still seemed unsure, but I wanted him so badly. So I pulled his head down over my cock again, resolved to reach orgasm by whatever means I could. As I was about to cum in his mouth he pulled away, and I whimpered. I was so needy. But just as I was about to beg him until he gave me my release, he asked me-

"Please Phil. I will only do this if you are absolutely honest with me. I want you to tell me _exactly_ how you feel. If I think you are trying to lie to me, for whatever reason, I will stop. Okay? " He looked me seriously in the eyes. I'm sure his look would have caused me to tear up if I hadn't been so desperate for him in that moment. He really didn't want to hurt me.

I bobbed my head in assent, I would agree to anything right about now. And when Dan still seemed hesitant, I reached for is throbbing cock and his hissed through his teeth. He gave me an astonished look but got the message, he pulled my legs up over his shoulders and looked at me one last time, " Are you absolutely sure Phil?" , He seemed genuinely afraid. But I pulled him down for a kiss and told him yes.

He reached into his bedside table and pulled out a tube of some sort of gel and spread it on his fingers and onto my opening.

"This should make it better Phil, but tell me exactly how you are feeling"

He then proceeded to push one finger into me. The burning sensation from earlier returned, and I whimpered. Dan immediately began to pull away but I grabbed his shoulders

"No, I'm okay"

He seemed unsure, but pushed his finger all the way back in. He closely monitored my face, making sure he wasn't hurting me too badly.

"How are you feeling?" He asked me and I answered as honestly as I could

"Honestly, scared. But I trust you Dan, and it isn't that bad, as a matter of fact I think I would like another." Dan's eyes widened a fraction but he began to push a second finger into me. The feeling was strange, and full, and it burned, but I was beginning to like it.

Before he asked, I told him, "This is a strange feeling, but I want you to keep going Dan, and one more thing."

"Oh?" he asked curiously. My heart pounded and I told him what I've wanted to all night.

"I love you."

His breath hitched, and he seemed to lose the control that he had had, and began to scissor his fingers within me, stretching me. I groaned at the sensation, beginning to enjoy the feelings churning within me. I didn't even register the burn when he pushed a third finger into my opening, just the pleasure.

Dan suddenly removed his fingers and I looked up at him in confusion. But he was now spreading the gel all over his throbbing member, and I thought it was a miracle he hadn't touched himself up to this point. He once again looked down at me, asking for permission. I was afraid, but also horny as hell, and the look in Dan's eyes wasn't doing anything for my self-control.

"Just do it Damnit!" I shouted at him. He needed no further convincing and he began to slowly push himself in me. It burned like nothing else, but I didn't want him to slop. The pleasure was beginning to get all mixed up in the pain. Once he was all the way in me he stopped. I knew that keeping himself there was taking all that he had, and I appreciated his patience.

"Tell me when it's okay to move" He told me with his teeth clenched.

The burning sensation slowly subsided until all that remained was the desire for him to bring me to my climax. He felt me relax around him, and that was a good enough cue for him to continue.

He began to pull out of me and then slowly back in, the feeling was exquisite. He slowly picked up the pace as he saw me get more and more into it.

He was plunging into me mindlessly when suddenly I felt the most acute pleasure I had ever experienced in my life course through me.

"Right there!" I shouted, not even recognizing my own voice. He then proceeded to hit that sweet spot every time he pushed into me. I felt myself begin to reach for some height that until now I didn't realize I had wanted so desperately. At this point Dan grabbed hold of my cock and began to stroke it at the same pace he was making love to me. The combined sensations of him hitting that little knot of nerves within me paired with the feeling of him stroking me pushed me higher and higher until my body couldn't seem to take anymore.

"Come on, Phil! Give it to me!" Dan shouted in a throaty voice and his exultation is what made me finally let go. He continued his rhythm as I rode out the exquisite waves of pleasure coursing through me until he called out my name like a prayer and gave in to his body.

He pulled out of me and I winced, "Are you okay?" he asked me. He didn't seem to miss anything.

"Better than." I replied, a goofy smile on my face. We were covered in cum, but all I wanted to do was lie here and hold Dan. I pulled him towards me, and we lay there in a comfortable silence for a long time.

As I came back from my pleasure induced stupor I told Dan what I had been trying to convey through my body.

"I'm not going anywhere."

But rather than induce a smile as I was hoping, he got up, out of my arms, and walked out the door. I knew he wanted to be alone, so I respected his wishes.

I knew that showing my affections for him would affect him greatly. During his story I had realized that he didn't think he deserved to live, let alone be loved.

And I hoped with all my heart that he reached a positive conclusion in his musings. Because I knew that if he didn't come back to me, didn't let me touch him again, it would break me.


	14. Chapter 13- Dan's POV

Chapter 13:

Dan's POV-

_I can't do it, I can't, I just can't. _

_Phil deserves better_

_I don't deserve Phil; I don't deserve to be loved at all._

_I don't deserve to be alive, let alone feel the pleasure of Phil climaxing around me._

_I don't deserve to live_

_I don't deserve to live_

_I don't deserve to live_

As my hatred for myself grew more and more intense, I found myself in the bathroom. I knew what I had to do, but in all my selfishness I was having a hard time bringing myself to do it. But it was for the best. Phil shouldn't join himself with someone like me, even if he thinks he wants to.

Phil, my lovely Phil, would be better off if I was just dead.

I went into the shower and retrieved a razor, my hands shaking. I broke it against the counter as I had done so many times before. I picked the blade from the wreckage and help it between my fingers.

This time I'm not going to do it to try to get rid of my emotional pain like the selfish bastard I knew myself to be, I'm doing it to get rid of my life.

I set the blade on my wrist, among my scars- both self- inflicted and burn induced. With Phil's face in my mind I looked into the mirror at my face for the first time in years, my perfectly flawless face, and drew the blade across my arm.

I knew I had hit the right place when I immediately felt my life- blood draining from me. As the darkness started to close in around me, I heard the door slam open.

"Dan!"


	15. Chapter 14- split POV

Chapter 14-

Phil's POV:

I scream his name as I kneel on the floor beside him. I had long since put clothes on and I immediately ripped my shirt off and shredded it into strips with shaking hands.

_No Dan, you're not escaping your pain like this. We are going to both live through this, and do it together._

I dialed 999 as fast as my clumsy fingers could move as I cradled Dan's head in my lap.

"Hello, emergency services, what's your emergency?" the voice on the other line asked. Trying to keep my voice as coherent as possible, I responded.

"My boyfriend is bleeding to death!"- My voice cracked- "He's losing blood quickly, please, please hurry!" My voice was getting more and more frantic by the moment.

The voice on the other line was calm as he asked, "Okay sir, I have your address, what is your floor number?"

"Twenty-three!" I responded quickly, and then hung up. I could already hear the sirens coming down the street.

I clutched Dan to me, his blood staining my jeans. I got up then and wrapped a towel around his naked body, then immediately went back to holding him.

"Dan, please please be okay!" I repeated over and over as the red spread around him.

5 hours later:

Dan's POV:

My eyes fluttered open to see Phil sitting in an armchair beside my hospital bed. He was looking at me with an expectant expression. He was wearing a scrub shirt, and his legs were covered in blood, _my _blood. His eyes were red and puffy. He looked like hell.

My whole body ached, but for some reason I felt light, lighter than I have ever remembered being. I looked down at myself. I had a blood bag and an IV attached to my arm, and my left wrist was covered in heavy bandaging. I looked down at myself, and my heart stopped.

_Why was my whole body covered in scars?_

I tried to think back. I remembered slitting my wrist, though the reason was kind of fuzzy. I thought back further- buying my flat- meeting Phil-

But then there is just a huge blank. My heart begins to pound franticly.

_I can't remember anything past 3 years ago._

Seeing me begin to freak out, Phil carefully climbed onto my bed and wrapped his pale arms around me. I looked to him for answers.

"Phil, I can't remember anything before a few years ago, I don't understand!" My eyes were beginning to fill with frightened tears. I couldn't even remember if usually cried.

"Shhh, Dan. It'll be alright. Just tell me what you do know. You obviously remember me."

I thought back to the earliest thing I could remember.

"The first thing I remember is being in a bar. I was overly drunk, trying to forget something…" The irony of that wasn't lost on me.

"I was with a lot of woman and men that night… then I went home to our flat. You were awake on the couch and I snuck behind you into my room and passed out."

Phil looked thoughtful for a moment and then spoke.

"That was in January of three years ago."

Him confirming the fact that I couldn't remember anything just made the tears in my eyes spill. Phil pulled me closer murmuring that it was all going to be okay. I knew enough to know that I was usually the one comforting him, not the other way around.

He began to speak softly, as if I was a flighty animal.

"After you hurt yourself..." Phil paused for a moment, collecting himself, "you lost a lot of blood. The ambulance tried to get you here as fast as possible, but the lack of blood in your body made it shut down- and your brain, for a while, didn't get enough oxygen. The result of that was your amnesia." He looked at me expectantly, waiting patiently for my response to his information.

I thought about what he had said for a moment, calming myself down. I realized that the reason I felt so light must have something to do with the fact that I couldn't remember why my whole body was scarred.

I looked back up at Phil, "What happened to my body?" I asked calmly, ready to accept whatever my past was, as long as Phil didn't let go of me.

He seemed to have been waiting for this question.

"Your house burnt down." Was all that Phil said to me, but I didn't lose the implication.

" Who else was in the house?" I felt detached from the situation that Phil was describing, even if it was apparently me that went through this.

"Your entire family" He replied, clutching me tighter. I didn't feel any extreme sense of loss; I truly didn't even remember the people's names.

But I got the sense that I was in the situation I was in due to those nameless people of my past.


	16. Chapter 15- Phil's POV

Chapter 15-

Phil's POV:

After the hospital had released Dan, they had been trying to convince him to go therapy to help him remember his past, but he refused every time, and I realized that he didn't want to remember. He was taking this as an opportunity to start anew.

In the following few weeks, everything seemed perfect. Dan was still a bit off, trying to figure out what he did and didn't like, but he was my Dan. I keep expecting to look over at him and catch him looking broodily into the distance like he used to. But he never did. He seemed happy, the happiest I had ever seen him.

But of course there had to be a catch.

One night, after some rather exhausting night-time activities, the two of us had passed out in his room. I had been up getting a drink of water in the middle of the night, when the most terrified scream that I had ever heard had echoed out of the bedroom. I ran in as fast as I possibly could to find Dan, drenched with sweat, screaming as if he was being tortured.

I knew what to do from the last time. I climbed so I was straddling him and I tried to shake him awake.

"Dan!"

Nothing happened

"Dan!"

Again…nothing.

I tried one last time

"Dan!"

There was tears streaming down my face, and one splashed onto his nose. The expression on his face was one that belonged on a man who had been tortured for hours on end. I was about to give up and call 999 for the second time in a month, when his eyes fluttered open.

He looked so lost, and the moment he saw me above him, he began to sob. Big heart-wrenching sobs that caused his who body to shake below me.

I got up off of him and pulled him into my arms. I watched helplessly as he rode out the emotions coursing through him. Once he seemed at least slightly coherent I asked him what had happened.

"F-fire, fire everywhere! Phil wh-why me? " His eyes were rivers, "why me?" Dan asked again.

"I don't know, Dan. I just don't know." I responded, clutching him harder to my chest.

Dan looked over to me. His eyes were bright, and his hair was curling in his face. He looked at me pleadingly.

"Phil, I want the pain to go away. Can you make it go away? Please?"

I could only think of one thing that could do that for him, and I resented it. But the expression he was giving me was so openly horrified. I began to get up, and Dan grabbed on to me. "Where are you going?" he asked me, afraid I was leaving.

"To get something that will make the pain go away." I responded grimly


End file.
